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AirGunEric · Site Admin

A man walks into a bar and sits down right across from the bartender. The bartender sees the man poking at his hand and putting it next to his ear, and asks him, "What are you doing?"

The man replies, "Oh, it's the newest technology -- I have a phone built right into my hand." The man puts his hand next to the bartender's ear and, sure enough, the bartender hears a dial tone.

After a few drinks, the man goes into the bathroom. After awhile, the bartender notices that he has been gone for quite some time. Concerned, he goes into the bathroom to check it out. When he walks in, he sees the man with his hands on the wall standing with his legs apart and pants down. He has the end of a roll of paper towels shoved up his a$$.

Shocked, the bartender asks, "What the hell are you doing?!"

"Waiting for a fax."

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Time for another "Make fun of Michael" moment:

Q: Did you hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?

A: You wind it up and it plays with your kids!

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa?

A: Nothing, they both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks!

StevieLaner7777 · Moderator

Michael Jackson jokes are so ill minded and wrong!

Can be funny though!!!

Stevie Thumb Up!

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing what type of patient they prefer operating upon.

The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order."

The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order."

The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded."

The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asks, "Why?"

The fourth surgeon replies, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their a$$ and head are interchangeable."

AirGunEric · Site Admin

OK- you have to think about this one a bit- but it's amusing (it was either this one or a really poor joke involving an Italian with language confusion- trust me- this one's alot funnier):

"Language Barrier"

An Asian man walks into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese yen and walks out with $72.

The following week, he walks in with 2000 yen, and is handed $66. He asks the teller why he got less money than the previous week.

The teller replies, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man storms out, but just before slamming the door, he turns around and shouts, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

StevieLaner7777 · Moderator

Ha Ha!!! Good one AirGunEric!!

Don't worry I won't give it away and tell everyone the answer!!

Not that it's hard to understand the joke!!

Funny though!

Stevie Thumb Up!

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

Soon after, Gomer arrived to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

"Well, Bubba had two a$$holes."

"What? He had two a$$holes?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two a$$holes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a$$holes.'"

broommaster2000 · Moderator

My goodness. It took me a while to figure it out. Embarassed

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When it got to the point where he could no longer eat, sleep or work effectively, he decided it was time to seek medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally found a doctor who could solve the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but finally decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Here's an old one:

One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding when Lone Ranger had to take a pee. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush, pulls down his pants and then screams. He runs back to Tonto and says, "Tonto I've been bitten by a snake on my pen@s- go to town and ask the doctor what to do."

So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Lone Ranger has been bit by a snake what do I do?"

The doctor looks at Tonto and says, "You take a knife and cut an 'x' on the spot where he was bitten, then you suck out the venom."

Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger. When he arrives, Lone Ranger asks "What did the doctor say?"

Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says "Doctor say you gonna die!"

StevieLaner7777 · Moderator

Ha Ha Ha!!!

Good one AirGunEric!!

But why is "Lone Ranger" called "LONE Ranger" if he has a sidekick??? Crazy/Loopy

Stevie

AirGunEric · Site Admin

You're really working on getting that post count up- aren't you Stevie? Razz

That's OK- you'll never get ahead of me. har har har

In most forums- the people who 'chase' post counts are called "Post Whores." - that being said, don't go too cheap. Wink

Ah- I'm just screwing with you- RazzDouble

StevieLaner7777 · Moderator

So you finally caught me out!!
Maybe my new "Funny Image of the Day" section and most of my small meaningless post kind of give me away!!

I'll try and make my posts a bit less cheaper in the future!! Though the "Funny Image of the Day" will still be running as cheap as chips until I run out of images (hopefully not), or it'll have to be called "Fun Image of the Week" instead!!!

As for getting ahead of you!!
It'll probably not happen too soon but I wouldn't count on it!!!

By posting this, I will be contributing to another small meaningless post (Ironic)!!
Not that you have an excuse AirGunEric!!!

Stevie Thumb Up!

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and shouts, “All politicians are a$$holes.”

A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”

“No," he replies, "I'm an a$$hole.”

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he sees a priest hitchhiking on the road. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a few misgivings about giving him a ride; usually when the driver sees a redneck on the road, he hits them -- with a priest in the truck, he'd have to swerve. But the driver decides to pick up the priest.

A little while later, he comes across a redneck hitchhiking. He decides to just swerve and let this one live when, all of a sudden he hears a "BOOM!" The driver looks over at the priest, who says, "Don't worry -- I got him with the door."

Note: I'm really not sure what the point of this joke is- but it's still kinda funny. Confused