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AirGunEric · Site Admin

OK- this one is pushing the envelope again:

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife says: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Microsoft has just released it's newest multimedia software, entitled "Ghetto Hit Wizard". Get your copy before they're all gone!

http://www.airgunhome.com/eric/hitwizard.jpg

Sorry to 'image-man' Stevie, I used an image not text for today's joke- but it was too funny to pass up!

AirGunEric · Site Admin

President Bush visits a primary school classroom. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks President Bush if he would like to lead the discussion of the word 'tragedy.' So the president asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'."

"No," says President Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand. If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains President Bush. "That's what we would call a 'great loss'."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice, he says: "If Air Force One carrying you, Mr. President, were struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a 'tragedy'."

"Fantastic!" exclaims President Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a 'tragedy'?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a 'great loss', and it probably wouldn't be an 'accident' either."

Eek

23ib0d0n · Moderator

You Might Be A Gun Nut:

-If You've ever dabbed a little Hoppe's on your neck before going on a date...
-If you bought checkering tools, checkered all your gunstocks and are now starting on the bedposts...
-If you cannot really recall just how many guns you own...
-Surplus ammunition suppliers call you to see if there was anything you were looking for...
-If you bought a gun at a gunshop, only to realize it used to be yours...
-If you've ever shot out a 1911 barrel.........
-If you save brass and have a case tumbler, but don't reload...
-If you ever stripped the paint off of your car and then blued it
-If you've ever bought ammo for a caliber you haven't shot, thinking someday you might own a gun in that caliber...
-If your computer passwords are gun related...
-If your five-year-old can detail strip and reassemble an M-1 Garand.
-If you take your guns out of the safe, just so you can wipe them down before going to bed...
-If your local gunsmith calls you for obsolete parts...
-If you home-school and use ballistic tables for math lessons...
-If your gun safe is bigger than your refrigerator...
-If the speedometer on your car is in both m.p.h. and fps...
-If you call Brownells and they recognize your voice...
-If you own reloading dies for calibers that you do not shoot...
-If you understand Smith and Wesson's model numbers...
-If you ever bought 20 different brands of the same bullet just to see which one "shoots better"...
-If you've ever had to explain "that it's not the same gun it's a variant!"...
-If watching the Lion King gives you an itch for a .470 Nitro express...
-If you cut out your best groups and carry them in your wallet like photos...
-If you've ever gone to a gun show three times in one month, and were excited every time...
-If you feel that a golf course is a willful and deliberate misuse of a perfectly good rifle range...
-If you ever accidentally seasoned a steak with FFFFg black powder...
-If your brass tumbler used to be a small cement mixers.
-If you identify the gun on the cover of Dillon's Blue Press before you notice the girl...
-If you make $30/hr at work and spent 35 min- on your knees at the range looking for that last piece of .40 brass...
-If you have guns in your safes that you can't for the life of you remember how you came by...
-If the FBI asks you to identify firearms they can't...
-If ammo manufacturers laid off workers when you went to Europe for a month's vacation...
-If you know the range of every tree in the neighborhood...
-if you can tell the caliber of any spent casing just by feel...
-If you plead with the gun shop to hold a rifle/shotgun until you have space for it...
-If you can't figure out why your non-shooting friends laugh when you say "Bushmaster"...
-If you didn't get that last one because you don't have any "non-shooting" friends...
-If you driver's license says "must wear night vision goggles."
-If your shoulder is callused...
-If manufactures ask you how their rifles hold up.
-If you get misty eyed evey time you sell a gun..
-If you alternate Silvertips, Hydra-Shoks and Black Talons in your magazines because they look better that way..........
-If you guess windage and range every time you look at a road sign...
-If you went out to the range this weekend to shoot up ammo, just so you'd have some brass to reload...
-RCBS answers your phone calls, "What have YOU dreamed up this time?"..............
-if you can name the parts of your post-ban rifle you had to (or want to) swap out to make a legal semi auto
-if someone asks about the president and you think they're talking about Charlton Heston
-if you know your glocks model numbers, what size mags, and which are loaded, but have no idea when your anniversary is.
-if you've ever had to explain why you need armor piercing rounds to someone
-if you don't know that there is a difference between "the Internet" and "Glock Talk"
-if you have ever run out of gas, but never run out of ammo before
-if you know serial numbers on your guns, but still get your kids' names mixed up.
-if you hold a firearms related record in Guiness book of world records.
-if you go to gun shows with a grocery buggy (painted camo of course)
-if you had to explain to someone what a "SHTF scenario" is
-if the National Guard calls you when things get a little too hot
-if you had a gun rack on your bike when you were a kid
-if you know why 30-06 is pronounced "thirty ought six"
-if you buy all of your clothes at wal-mart but own some of the most expensive holsters known to man
-if your name is on California's AW ban
-if you walk up on a conversation about horses and as soon as you hear "colt", you are immediately interested.
-if your favorite saint is John Moses Browning.
-if your favorite color is "gun metal grey".
-if you break off on a dissertation on how badly congress screwed Bill Ruger.
-if you anticipate another shooting session AS you are putting your guns away at the range.
-if you look at Shotgun News the way teenagers look at playboy
-if every street sign within 5 miles of your house looks like it came from chechnya
-if you went to college, but owned more gun manuals than text books
-if you're "call blocked" from the national guard armory because you keep bidding on the WWII artillary piece sitting out front
-if you carry a backup gun in case the backup for your backup fails.
-if you carry concealed at the beach
-if third world arms dealers consider you to be the largest gun runner in the world (but you keep all the stuff for yourself)
-if you were arrested/questioned about sniper shootings
-if you've filled out more "yellow forms" than income tax forms
-if you have your own VIP parking spot at gun shows.
-if you hear someone say "it's about 9:45" and you think to yourself "good grief, the 9mm/.45 debate will never end!"
-if at a violent movie you aren't bothered by gory violence, but cringe as a firearm drops (might scratch it)
-if the above has ever brought tears to your eyes
-if you're banned from movie theaters since you always tell everyone "Can't fire 30 rounds from a revolver without reloading."
-if you ever took apart your Nintendo zapper and installed custom trigger, laser sight, scope, etc. for Duck Hunt
-if you have more firearms than friends
-if you have insurance covering your guns, but not you
-if Hillary Clinton makes your skin crawl.
-if you slide your paddle holster on to check your mail.
-if you slide your paddle holster on to take out the garbage.
-if you find yourself rapidly disassembling/re-assembling your handgun....in the dark.....on the toilet.
-if you drive to work with a $1500 Kimber in a $500 pick-up.
-if you've spent more than twenty minutes writing "you might be a gun nut if's.
-if your guns are named names usually reserved for people
-if you designed your own caliber and built a firearm to fire it
-if you grew up with loaded guns all around you, but it never crossed your mind to shoot up your school.
-if you've read the Constitution
-if you know the second amendment by heart
-if you know the second amendment translated into more than 13 laguages
-if you used to have a hill as a backstop, but now it is a 30 foot tall mound of pure lead.
-if you make your own reloading tools
-if you make your own powder
-if you don't label your reloading powder, because you can smell the difference when opening the can
-if you ever read "the suspect had 200 rounds of ammunition" in the crime section of the newspaper but assumed it was a misprint. "Who in his right mind would get down to only 200 rounds???
-if your CCW is a shotgun
-if your CCW is a .50
-if your CCW is a LAW
- if you find yourself doing trigger and muzzle control on the bottle of your wife's glass cleaner
- if your girlfriend/wife is jealous of the time you spend with your guns
- if your wishlist on midwayusa totals up to the price of a new car
- if that new car would be a Bentley
- if your already thinking about your next gun while your filling out the paperwork on the one you're buying.
- if the guys at the local gun shop sends you a christmas card
- if you own a guns you haven't shot yet
- if you have rooms in your house dedicated to guns
- if someone says "What if you don't have a gun on you?" but after 15 minutes you still can't think how that'd be possible.
- if the sound of full auto gun fire makes you feel all warm and fuzzy
-if you shook the presents under your tree, and one fired a round out of it.
-if you've spent more money at Midway USA, Brownell's, and Cabela's than the companies are worth.
-if your will specifies your favorite firearm(s) to be buried with you.
-if the glock talk logo is burned into your monitor.
-if you have friends who thought knives were soooo cool and dangerous, so you showed off your AK-47 collection
-if you wonder why you must renew your CCW license every year, but your marriage license won't expire.
-if someone asks how many guns you have, and the answer begins with "about" (i.e. "about 90 or so").
-if you look at ink blots, and answer "an AR-15 sear", "bolt release from ruger 10-22", "firing pin from M1911", etc.
-if you remember Federal 230 grain hydra-shock hollow points are in your 45, but not your wife's eye color.
-if you have ever shot a hole in something on accident
-if that something was your TV during a Bush/Gore debate
-if you buy Hoppe's solvent in 50 gallon drums because your howitzer "likes" it
-if the gun show owners let you in free.
-if you named a dog after a gun.
-if you name your kids after your guns.
-if you time yourself filling out yellow forms, and you're down to a minute flat.
-if NICS put your favorite gun dealer on call block.
-if you're only dating/marrying a girl so you can shoot her gun collection.
-if the wallpaper on your desktop is firearm related
-if the wallpaper in a room of your house is firearm related
-if you have no wallpaper or house, but live in a dug-out underground bunker to keep your guns safe
-if a gun on a CNN gun control report has your name engraved on it.
-if you carry pictures of your guns in your wallet
-if you ever heard shots outside, but fell into sheer panic deciding which gun to grab.
-if your favorites in the computer only have one folder, "guns."
-when your wife have .357 sig brass as earings
-at the tupperware party you show them your Glock
-your gold tooth is made of melted brass
-you get arrested for possesion of a gram of black powder
-your kids have Glock as a middle names
-your kids bike is on a bipod
-you go out with bird watchers with a 3x9 scope
-your walkman is made by Peltor
-your kids vocabulary contains; ballistics, trajectory, clusters, magnums, parallax
-Your wife loves to shop at Glockstore, Glockmeister, Topglock etc.
-You shower the bride and groom with brass
-You double tap when knocking on doors
-You get excited when you see the Target store logo
-You buy your kids a book each and buy yourself five gun magazines
-Your tennis attire has Glock logos
-Your Golf bag has a gun compartment
-You lubricate your kid's bikes with Hoppe's
-Your banana holds 40 rounds
-Your car is coated with tennifer
-You light your charcoal with gun powder
-Your kids would rather go to a gun show than Kings Dominion or Disney World
-You are the only one with a vest without a camera
- If your apartment complex cites -you- as the reason they don't need on-site security.
- If someone you never met is saying, "I was told you can help get my stuff from my boyfriend's/husband's apartment."
- If the person who gave your name is a local Police Officer.
- If your local Police make a point of calling to tell you about the sex-offender/felon who just moved into the area.
- If the sales clerk in a local gun shop asks you a question, as no one else there knows the answer.
- If the above occurs so they can make a sale.
- If one of your local gun shops asks you to come work for them, because you've shown more knowledge than their employees.
- If the above occurs at a shop you don't normally frequent.
- If your local Police Department asks you what you think about the new handgun they're thinking about issuing.
- If you're asked by Police to bring in weapons for them see, because they're "Better than what we're carrying."
- If you ever got out of a ticket by offering to take the Officer shooting.
- If you've ever been pulled over by a Police Officer so she can ask you to take her shooting.
- If you've ever been pulled over by a local Police so they can ask you about weapons, or ammunition.
- If you've ever had people fly into the state, or country, just to fire some of your weapons.
- If you've ever talked about your latest acquisition and heard the words, "How the hell'd you get your hands on that?"
- If a new recruit at the Police is given your name with the words, "Don't ask, he has a gun on him somewhere."
- If your boss gave you ammunition for a 'Job Well Done', and you don't work in a firearms friendly place.
- If you take a day off work to go shooting, hunting, see a smith, or buy new guns, but refuse to call in sick.
- If your primary requirement for a soft-side briefcase, for work, is how well it can carry one of your preferred sidearms.

AirGunEric · Site Admin

My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I
would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was
always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by.
Today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in
remembrance, for Common Sense had served us all so well for so many
generations.

Obituary

Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing
when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life
isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster (band aid)
to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became
pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense was losing the will to live as criminals received better
treatment than their victims and Common Sense took another beating
when people couldn't defend themselves from a burglar in
their own home and the burglar could sue for assault
in the event of a confrontation.

Common Sense finally gave up entirely after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge monetary settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He
is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to
Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton.
They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon"

AirGunEric · Site Admin

The Negligee

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer Negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin

AirGunEric · Site Admin

The Top 14 Signs Your Celebrity Child Isn't Doing Well in Prison:

Throwing up gross prison food takes all the fun out of bulimia.

"How am I supposed to reform my life when the feng shui here is simply impossible?"

Just look at her. She's wearing orange... in the summer! Can no one help her?

They're talking about early parole "just to stop all the crying."

The requirement of three square meals a day has pushed her weight up to triple digits.

Regular inmates aren't respecting the velvet rope that limits access to her cell.

Even her cellmate doesn't want her autograph.

Her antics forced E! to stretch her "True Hollywood Story" into a 10-part miniseries.

There's no body double for the shower scenes.

She just sold the rights to her life story for a pack of smokes.

She sees dead people. In the next bunk.

Her mug shot crashed The Smoking Gun's Web servers.

She keeps accidentally shivving herself.

She wants you to smuggle in her Chihuahua, baked inside a cake.

AirGunEric · Site Admin

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A bit long- but the ending is pretty funny!

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered nicely saying, ''Hello?' '

I politely said, ''This is John Smith and could I please speak to Fred Jones?''

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Fred's correct number and called him. He had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Fred, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled, ''You're a jackass!'' and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word ''jackass,'' and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.

He'd answer, and I'd yell, ''You're a jackass!''

It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea.

I dialed his number, then heard his voice say, ''Hello.'' I made up a name. ''Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?''

He went, ''No!'' and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, ''That's because you're a jackass!''

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. " Great," I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

I started honking my horn and yelling, ''You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!'' The guy climbed out of his car completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, "This guy's a jackass.
There sure a lot of jackasses in this world."

I noticed he had a ''For Sale'' sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, ''You're a jackass!'' (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, ''Hello.''

I said, ''Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?''
''Yes, it is.''

''Can you tell me where I can see it?''

''Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front.''

I said, ''What's your name?''

''My name is Don Brown.''

''When's a good time to catch you, Don?''

''I'm home in the evenings.''

''Listen Don, can I tell you something?''

''Yes.''

''Don, you're a jackass!'' And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.
A man answered nicely saying, ''Hello.''

I yelled ''You're a jackass!'' but I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, ''Are you still there?''

I said, ''Yeah.''

He said, ''Stop calling me.''

I said, ''No.''

He said, ''What's you name, pal?''

I said, ''Don Brown.''

He said, ''Where do you live?''

''1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front.''

''I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers.''

''Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!'' and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, ''Hello.''

I said, ''Hello, Jackass!''

He said, ''If I ever find out who you are...''

''You'll what?''

''I'll kick your butt.''

''Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!'' And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.

After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

dedpool · Veteran Member

Lol thats so awesome! I gotta try that on people

AirGunEric · Site Admin

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

''Why?' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas
City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned
to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have
baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask
the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and
big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes
because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain
that to you."

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man
looks over at his wife and says "Your Butt is getting really big, I
mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measures the grill
and then went over to where his wife was working and measured her
bottom. "Sure enough! I was right, your butt is two inches wider than
the barbecue grill!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling Frisky. He makes some
advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-a$$
grill for one little weenie?"

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist informs him, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."

"Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"